Okay! Seriously! Am I incapable of continually eating healthy? Do I have a disability? (I don't mean disrespect, I am really asking myself this!) Do I have a flaw in my brain? Do I have issues with being truly healthy?
So - I just have NOT been able to do this 100%! WHAT THE HELL?!!! I am very frustrated with myself. Am I doing something wrong? I just can't get it together for longer than about 3 to 10 days at a time, and then I PIG OUT on unhealthy junk!!!
I have really tried to stay positive and just start again the next day - but I am now facing some demon inside of me saying "Neener neener neener! You caaan't dooo it!! Ha Ha!" -----AAAAHHH! I am just angry now!
I did SO great the last few days-- up until this afternoon when I just kept eating and didn't stop! AAAHHHH!
I feel like I am in a true FIGHT with myself --- with my damn self-defeating habits!!!! AAAHHH! Is this part of it? Is this part of the journey of overcoming years of icky, depressive, struggles with eating junk and over-eating --- with never rising above a certain line -- a specific level -- never actually passing that point that if I knew I did it I could keep going?
I WILL WIN THIS BATTLE! I WILL FIGHT THE FIGHT 'TIL I HAVE WON!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!!! YES! YES! YES!
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2 comments:
Hi Ame! I wanted to say hi and thank you for taking the girls to the concert. They had a blast. That was nice of you to think of us.
About your post, I have been secretly following your progress, here and there, but not made any comments, cause I wanted to join up with you, but your last post is the exact reason I have not. It's so hard on me to start and be excited and then to screw up and feel bad. I have such a all or nothing mentality. I wish i could be more just slow and steady. I knew I wasn't ready to committ like you did, even though i am trying to eat and exercise better, I couldn't make it public. Sorry I haven't been more supportive.
I think you are doing great and don't give up. I know you can win the fight.
Love ya
Steph
Thanks Steph!!! That means a lot! I agree! It is hard to do it all or nothing -- it puts a lot of pressure on myself! I decided at the beginning that I can't have that mentality, because it doesn't work for me - because I know I will eat treats and therefore the choice would be "nothing" - which defeats the whole purpose of being healthy!
"making is public" doesn't mean all or nothing - for me it just means you are declaring to the universe, to the people around you, you are asking for a little support, and that you are willing to make some changes in habits, and learn from all that life hands you as you walk this path, as you take a look at what is right for you and what works with your life style, with the preface of being healthy, and healing your body, physically, and emotionally, so you CAN do what is best for you, what makes you feel joy, love, peace within yourself.
I know that when I pig out and don't exercise, I get down on myself and it starts a downward spiral. Just keep doing things to keep that spiral going upward, it could be slow, but it is always going up. Doing this is what keeps those depressive feelings away for me, because those good, loving-self, joyful feelings stay steadily there and sometimes come in strong blasts.
Thanks for the support, with all - the bakery too! It was so good to see you this weekend! And I had such a blast with your girls too!
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